


Panic Cord

by chemically_imbalanced_romance



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23547580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemically_imbalanced_romance/pseuds/chemically_imbalanced_romance
Summary: When Virgil is forced to live with his ex-boyfriend, Roman, the guilt he's been trying to suppress for the last couple of years comes crawling back up. Logan and Patton are also there.[If this reads as “not completed” for whatever reason, it is. I’ve fixed that a million times and it just won’t stick]
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 17
Kudos: 45





	1. Panic Cord

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song Panic Cord by Gabrielle Aplin

“Are you serious?”

“Yes.” 

Logan gave his stubborn fiance a defiant look. “You’re  _ serious?”  _ He asked again, just to be sure. 

Virgil nodded insistently. “Yes! Look, we play DND every  _ week _ , tell me it wouldn’t be  _ badass _ playing on this.” 

He gestured towards the coffee table he wanted, an overdramatic, gothic table that would take up half of their living room. 

Logan quirked an eyebrow. “Okay, but we eat dinner every  _ day _ . Lunch, too. Imagine trying to balance a cup on one of those ridges. We might as well not even have a table.”

Virgil held his hands up. “I’d be glad to eat on the floor.”

He couldn’t help but laugh. “Then  _ why…  _ Are we even  _ here?”  _

Virgil cracked up, too, but shook his head. “I don’t want that boring ass table.” 

Logan pouted. He liked the table. It was simple, but not ugly, with dark reddish brown panels of wood and black iron supports. It was big enough for them to eat, and play DND, too, albeit a bit cramped. He especially liked that it looked easy to clean, and it was the perfect height for their couch. 

Virgil hesitated, and then sighed as the bell above the shop’s door dinged. “Okay. Fine. We’ll get that table. But! I get to pick the next  _ three _ games we play.” 

Logan smiled. That meant three sessions of DND, with Logan dm’ing. “If that’ll make you happy.”

As giggling sounded from near the door, Virgil looked up and smiled sheepishly at him. Then his eyes slid over his fiance’s shoulder, towards the couple coming towards them- One excitedly pulling his boyfriend, the other nervously and subtly trying to lead him away. 

Virgil ducked down and behind Logan, whispering, “Shit, shit, shit!” 

Logan looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “What’s going on?”

“That’s my ex-boyfriend.” 

“Which one?”

“The tall one.”

The couple stopped to admire the table Logan picked out. The tall one stared fiercely at it, eyes not moving, stiff. The oblivious one admired the wood. 

Logan didn’t take his gaze off the tall one as he said, “I think they know you’re here.”

The round, freckled one looked at them with a polite smile. “Hm?”

The tall one peeked around Logan a bit and gave an awkward wave. “Hey, uh-” He almost said something else, and then just said, “Hey.” 

Virgil stared at him, anxiety having frozen him solid. They spent thirty seconds in the most uncomfortable silence Logan thought he’d ever witnessed, Virgil’s ex’s boyfriend completely oblivious, until Logan said, “So, you two used to date?”

That got his attention. 

“Um, yeah… I’m Roman,” the tall one said, ignoring his boyfriend’s concerned look. His hair was grown out in a messy enough way that it was clearly unintentional, faded red with inches of brown roots. His nails were painted an assortment of pastel colours. “This is my boyfriend, Patton.” Patton was dressed all in pastels, with golden circular glasses frames and platform boots. He looked familiar, but Virgil couldn’t place him. His hair was also a mess, but it was curly and looked more on purpose. 

“I’m Virgil’s fiance.” Logan stuck his hand out, and Roman’s eyes went wide. 

“Fiance?” He didn’t shake Logan’s hand. Patton squeezed Roman’s arm. 

“Yes.” A small smile crawled onto Logan’s face as his eyes slid over to Virgil. Virgil blushed and looked away. “Fiance.”

“So that’s the name you picked? ‘Virgil?’” Roman forced a chuckle and glanced to Logan. “He was still trying a few out when we were together.” 

Desperate to get the attention off of him, Virgil asked, “So are you two moving in together?” 

Patton smiled brightly. “We’re trying to! But, you know, money’s tight. We figured we’d stop by here since we were close and look at some options. It’s more expensive than we thought it’d be, though.” 

Logan perked up. “You know, when Vee and I started looking at options, we found this little store downtown…” 

Logan and Patton got lost in conversation as Logan told him about the furniture store he and Virgil had found, and all the things they found for their new apartment. Virgil’s eyes widened as he realized he and Roman were, basically, left alone. 

After thirty seconds of just  _ staring _ at Logan and Patton’s conversation, he realized there wasn’t really a subtle way to get out of this situation. He turned to Roman and, after a bit to think of what to say, stuttered out, “You look like you’re doing… Good?” 

A little bit of authenticity bled into Roman’s smile. “Patton’s really great. Do you, um, do you remember him?” 

“Um, I think, yeah?” Virgil looked away and scratched the back of his neck a little aggressively.  _ Shit, Patton? Patton…  _ He couldn’t place the name. “Probably, I don’t know.”

“I met him at that  _ Wicked _ showing,” Roman reminded him. “It was, like, a week before. You only met him once.” Roman’s eyes widened. “Oh- But we didn’t do anything! We only got together a year ago. I promise, we didn’t-”

Roman tended to go on and on until someone stopped him. 

“After what happened, do you really think I could be mad at you for forgetting to tell me something?” Virgil raised his eyebrows. Every day he felt guilty for what he did. He would let Roman get away with breaking a  _ thousand _ rules to their polygamy set up, let alone one. 

“I guess not,” he said quietly. He was blushing. He let out a little laugh and shrugged. “I just… Don’t like you being mad at me.” 

Virgil could tell where this headed. He rushed to speak at the same as Roman,

“It wasn’t your fault-”

“If I did anything-” 

Virgil pursed his lips and Roman chuckled. “I mean…” Roman turned away slightly, peeking at him. “There had to be a reason, right? Never mind, don’t answer that.” He fully looked away, pretending to examine one of the tables. “I shouldn’t pry.” 

“Vee?”

They both glanced back. Logan and Patton were standing close enough for their clothes to brush together, and they each had a little dopey smile on their faces. Patton broke off to join Roman, wrapping his arms around one of Roman’s. Roman smiled down at him. 

“Are you ready to go, love?” Logan asked. Little happy butterflies fluttered around Virgil’s stomach. “I have to get ready for work.” 

“Yeah, go ahead.” Virgil pointed back at the table they chose. “I'll get this to the register.” 

Logan turned for a moment, before looking back and asking, cautiously, “You’re not trying to trick me, are you?”

He grinned. “Which table did we pick again?”

Logan pointed at him. “I’m trusting you.” 

He went outside to go warm up the car, and Virgil reached for the box. 

“Virgil, um…” Roman smiled nervously as Virgil turned back to him. “Before you leave, could I just- Could I hug you?” 

Virgil’s heart stuttered. Dread twisted his stomach into a knot, but how could he say no? After what he did, if the guy wanted a hug, he could have a hug. He nodded. “Yeah, sure.” 

Roman almost stepped forward, but then his gaze settled on Virgil’s face, and he really looked, and he stopped. “I know you too well,” he said with a sad smile. “But, um, here… Pat, can I borrow a marker?”

“Mhm!” Patton swung his pastel purple backpack around to his front and dug inside for a moment before producing a pink marker. 

Virgil held out his arm instinctively and Roman scribbled down a phone number. “We should catch up some time, if you want.” 

Virgil knew what he was doing. It was an invitation, and nothing more. It was Roman saying,  _ I miss you, and I feel like we ran into each other today for a reason, but I would never pressure you into anything. So, if you want to, you can reach out.  _

Virgil was conflicted. 

He just nodded and forced a smile, and then got the box with Logan’s pick to the register. 

Later, while they were putting the table together, Logan said, “You know, Patton mentioned they’re still looking for a place to live.” 

Virgil looked at him in confusion. “Yeah?” 

He stared at the screw he was trying to fit in the wood. “They seemed like they were in a hurry.”

“I can imagine,” Virgil mumbled. 

Logan furrowed his eyebrows. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing.” He shook his head. “Personal stuff.  _ Roman’s _ personal stuff.”

“Oh.” Logan shrugged it off. “Okay, well. I was just thinking, if it gets too bad, we could always rent out my office.” 

Virgil’s stomach coiled. “What?” He asked in panic. “To them?”

“Yes?” He looked up in confusion. “Would that not be okay?”

Virgil dropped his screwdriver. “No! No, that’s- No.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to do that. What kind of idea is that? He’s my  _ ex _ .” 

“Yeah, I know, I heard that, Vee.” He sighed and set down his screwdriver, as well, giving Virgil his full attention. “But they need a place to live, and I figured things couldn’t have ended  _ that _ badly. You guys got along fine today.”

“No- It wasn’t a fight.” Virgil pursed his lips and tried to figure out the best way to explain what happened, and quickly gave up. “It’s just- It’s not a good idea.”

Logan crawled around his side of the table to sit next to his fiance, taking his hands. “You’re talking like it’s already decided,” he said gently. “I was just asking your opinion. If you don’t want it to happen, it won’t, okay?” 

Virgil nodded slowly, squeezing his hands. “Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry, I just- I panicked.” 

He smiled. “I know. It’s okay.” Logan kissed him softly, and Virgil leaned into it. “I gotta get going, though, or else I’ll be late.” He stood up and let Virgil’s hands drop from his. “Are you okay with finishing this yourself?”

Virgil picked up his screwdriver again and nodded. “Yeah. I’m off tonight. I’ll see you in the morning.” 

Logan leaned down to give him one last kiss, before leaving, grabbing his keys on the way out. 

xxx 

A few days later, Virgil burst into their apartment after work. Logan jumped as Virgil dropped his bag on the floor and dropped himself into Logan’s lap. 

“Bad day?” Logan asked, hiding a smile as he ran his fingers through Virgil’s hair. 

“Whatever,” Virgil grumbled. 

“What happened?” 

“Just a bunch of stupid shit. I didn’t even really want to be there anyway. Apparently I made some mistake yesterday, and my supervisor, like, attacked me for it.” 

Logan was immediately sceptical. “He did?” 

“Yeah.”

“What did he say?”

“I don’t even remember, it happened as soon as I got inside.” Virgil sat up, feet planted on either side of Logan’s lap. “What, do you not believe me?”

“No, it’s not that.” Logan rested his hand on the side of Virgil’s face. “I just know how you can be.”

Virgil scowled and stuck out his tongue at him. Logan laughed and kissed him. 

“I don’t know, I was trying to make coffee and he stormed up and started snapping at me.”

“Did you snap back?”

“Of course I did. Can you blame me?” 

He shrugged. “Not really, I guess.” He tucked a loose strand of Virgil’s purple hair behind his ear. “But… I don’t know, he’s your supervisor. Is that smart?” 

Virgil grimaced as chills crawled up his back. He had been trying not to think about that. “Just because he’s my supervisor doesn’t mean he can be a dick,” Virgil grumbled. 

“No, I agree, but…” 

Virgil sighed. “Dear God, what?” 

“It sounds like he was just doing his job,” Logan said with a sigh. 

He scowled. “And being a  _ dick _ about it,” he said pointedly. 

“Well, maybe, I don’t know, I wasn’t there. But besides that point.” 

Virgil didn’t answer. 

“Just think about it,” Logan said gently and pulled him closer.

Virgil easily leaned against him. There was nothing in this world that calmed him down faster than his fiance. It was how he realized he was in love with Logan, in love with him the kind of way that he knew, without him, he would just ache. The first time Logan came into the room and Virgil felt undeniable, bone-deep relaxation, an overpowering feeling of  _ safety _ \- He knew. 

Logan was always trying to encourage him to be better; not because he didn’t think Virgil was enough, but because he saw how Virgil was constantly hurting himself, and he didn’t want to watch it. 

Virgil rolled his eyes and rested his head on Logan’s shoulder, mumbling mockingly, “Should I… Apologize?” He hated apologizing. He only really did it to Logan, and that still sucked. 

“It depends.” Logan kissed the top of his head. “How big of a dick was he being?” 

“... Not really.” 

“Then probably.” 

Virgil sighed heavily. “This is stupid.” 

Virgil knew what he was thinking:  _ You need to stop getting so defensive.  _ But he didn’t say it. Maybe because he knew that Virgil already knew. Maybe he felt like he got his point across fine enough without it. Either way, Virgil was grateful. 

xxx 

Virgil’s phone woke him up at 10am, and it felt like the middle of the night. 

A number unknown to his phone but memorized by Virgil showed across the scene, and his heart at once sunk to his stomach and filled with butterflies. He was frozen with indecision. A mix of relief and regret swirled inside his stomach as the phone stopped buzzing, a missed call showing up on screen… And then it all shattered as it began again. 

“Turn that shit off,” Logan groaned, wrapping an arm around Virgil’s waist. 

Virgil kissed his hand and nudged him away so he could get out of bed. He answered the phone as he tiptoed out of the bedroom. 

In their empty apartment, the world was quiet. Cars buzzed by outside, but it was muffled from so high up. The sun streamed in from the windows they forgot to draw the curtains on before going to bed, shining patterns on the carpet from the stained glass pieces Virgil had hung up. 

He tried to focus on that while he answered the phone. His blooming life with Logan, and how happy it made him. 

“Roman?” 

“Hey!” He didn’t sound happy. He sounded nervous. “So, uh… You busy right now?”

“What’s going on?” Virgil’s eyes settled on the vase of fake roses on their coffee table. They both adored plants, but neither of them had the time or patience to really take care of any. Virgil traced the familiar petals and the child safe thorns on the stem. 

“Well, you know how Patton and I were trying to find a place to live?”

“Mhm.” 

Virgil expected him to ask him and Logan to help them move in, that they found a place but they happened to bite off more than they could chew and Virgil was the only person he felt comfortable asking for such a favour. However likely that was. 

“Well, we couldn’t. And, uh…”

Virgil furrowed his eyebrows. Dread tangled his stomach into knots. “What’s wrong, why can’t you keep looking?”

“Well, we can! It just…” 

“Give me the phone,” a soft voice said from Roman’s side of the phone, and after a moment of shuffling, the voice came out clearer. “Virgil? It’s Patton. We were just wondering if you know anybody who has a spare room for rent. Like… Today, maybe.” 

“Is everything okay?” They were freaking him out. 

“I ran out of rent money a few months ago, and I was hoping to get paid today, but… Anyway, I guess I overstayed my welcome. My landlord kicked me out. And Roman won’t let me stay with him.” 

That much was obvious- Virgil wouldn’t let a frog stay with Roman’s parents. 

“So?” Patton tried much too hard to sound cheerful. “Do you maybe know anybody?” 

Virgil looked back to their bedroom, where Logan was standing in the doorway, watching him in concern. “Yeah,” Virgil said. “I have a place.” 


	2. Please Don’t Say You Love Me

Logan was, of course, okay with it. 

Virgil dared say he was excited. He took a day off work (he had a lot of personal days saved up) to spend making sure the apartment was clean and inviting, and his office was cleared out for Roman and Patton to move in. Virgil had to move his vanity to make room for Logan’s desk, but he didn’t complain. 

When they arrived, Logan pulled Patton into a tight hug while Virgil took Roman’s luggage to carry it inside. 

“Is this all you have?” He asked, frowning. 

Roman shrugged and followed Virgil into the apartment. He was sort of dazed as he looked around. “Well, I had a few of Patton’s things over at my place, but when he was evicted, his landlord sold his things. I had to be fast to leave so I just filled up whatever I could in this suitcase and we left.” 

“I’m surprised you let Patton in your house,” he said as he pushed open the door to what was previously Logan’s study, now Roman and Patton’s room. 

“What?” He frowned. “I didn’t.” 

Virgil set his suitcase down in the bare room and looked at him in confusion. “You said you had some of his things?” 

Roman blushed and looked away. “Just, like, sweaters and stuff.” 

He couldn’t hide a grin. “You’re still so sappy.”

“It’s not exactly a bad thing!” Roma pouted. 

“I didn’t say it was.” He didn’t bother unpacking the suitcase, leading Roman right back out. “Logan and I called in a favour with our parents- Come with us, we’re getting you some furniture.” 

“What?” Roman smiled nervously. “You don’t-” 

“You’re at least getting a bed.” Virgil gave him a flat look. “Besides, my mom was way too happy to help. She and Dad actually want to have dinner with you and meet Patton, whenever you’re up for that.” 

Roman only blushed brighter. He was embarrassed, but in a good way. 

When they went back into the living room, Logan was explaining to Patton how they could afford such a nice apartment. 

“Virgil’s and my parents got together and wrote us a cheque for our Christmas present,” he was saying. Virgil stepped beside him and wrapped his arms around Logan’s waist. “They covered half the costs. We’re also pretty lucky with our jobs, they pay us well, and we’ve been saving up for a while.” 

As they walked out the door and headed for the apartment’s elevator, Patton looked at Logan curiously and asked, “What do you guys do?” 

Virgil hid a smile as Logan lit up, launching into an excited ramble about his job. Logan loved his job, and he wasn’t quiet about it. He didn’t even do anything super exciting or that he’s passionate about; It was just convenient, and well-paying, and easy. He said he mostly enjoyed it because he got to put all of his energy into his studies, and his relationship with Virgil, not having to waste any to pay for basic living expenses. 

The four of them went out to a few of the surrounding furniture stores, somehow managing to fit a nightstand, the parts of a dresser and a bed, and a shit ton of hangers inside Logan’s tiny car. They went ahead and used the leftover money to buy Patton new clothes, and a little for Roman, as well. 

When Roman and Patton were distracted with the clothes, Logan pulled Virgil aside. “Are you doing okay?”

Virgil frowned in confusion. “Yeah? Why?” 

“I just… Know this isn’t exactly what you wanted.” Logan took his hand. “I’m sorry.”

He shrugged and ran his thumb across Logan’s palm. “It’s not what they wanted either. It’s not a big deal.”

Logan watched him carefully. Virgil seemed… Truly unbothered. 

“Verge, you know you don’t have to answer this, but… Why did you two break up?” He laughed a little and shook his head. “I’m so confused about your relationship.”

Guilt flooded Virgil’s system. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “No, it’s… I don’t want to talk about it.” He did want to tell Logan, both because Logan deserved to know and because Virgil thought he may feel better after getting it out. 

But there was always the possibility that Logan would leave him, would find his actions so disgusting and mistrustful that he decided to go. 

“It’s okay,” Logan whispered, pulling him into his arms. “Don’t panic, it’s fine. It clearly doesn’t matter anymore, whatever happened. He doesn’t seem mad at you.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” Virgil mumbled. 

xxx 

The next few weeks living with Patton and Roman were… Interesting. For Virgil, most of it consisted of not ever letting himself be in a room with Roman alone, while also making sure Roman and  _ Logan _ were never in the same room alone. It was pretty exhausting- Not just the act itself, but the guilt that came with it. Was it wrong of him to be stunting Roman and Logan’s relationship so badly? Was he proving that he hadn’t changed at all in he and Roman’s time apart, by doing pretty much the exact same thing? Was his reasoning justified in meddling with the ecosystem of their apartment? 

Logan, someone who was always straightforward and blunt with him, didn’t seem to care. Or even notice. He and Patton were growing closer and closer by the day, and if they were a ‘normal’ couple, Virgil would be frightened every time he found Logan and Patton tangled up on the couch, asleep together, or walked in on them talking quietly and holding hands. 

For once, it was not because of the guilt. Most things Virgil did in his life was because he felt guilty. But, truly, it was because he would do anything to keep that dopey smile on his fiance’s face, and he wasn’t bothered that he wasn’t the only one to cause it. He and Logan simply had too much love to give that could be dropped onto one person. 

One day, Logan, Patton, and Virgil were in the living room, Virgil doing his makeup before work and Patton and Logan doing a puzzle, when Roman burst through the front door with sunshine in his face. 

“Love?” Patton stood and smiled, coming over to hug him. Roman picked him up and tossed him a bit, spinning him around and holding him tightly. Logan snickered as Patton squealed. “Woah- What’s going on?!”

“They’re doing auditions for  _ Dear Evan Hansen _ down at the Carnation, and I got an audition!” Roman set his pink-faced boyfriend down and smiled so wide it changed the way Logan and Virgil saw him. 

Virgil had missed that smile. 

“I’m auditioning for the role of Connor!” He reached into his messenger bag, a large hole in the side patched up with the scraps of a thin red scarf, and pulled out a clean, new script. It was thin and unlaminated. “They gave me a few scenes to practice for, I need to go right now!”

Patton wasted no time following Roman into their room. Virgil was embarrassed, because half of him tried to get up, too. For a split second, he had fallen back into his old life, his old self, and as terrifying as that was, he still felt ecstatic when Roman poked his head out and said, “Hey, Verge? You wanna come, too? Patton wants to read for Zoe, but you can play Evan!” 

Virgil desperately wanted things to go back to how they were, and he desperately wanted to never go back. He was terrified that Roman being here would put him back into old habits, that all the work he had done to change and be better and build a life with Logan would vanish. But he was also so, incredibly, ridiculously happy to have Roman back, and achingly sad in a way that you only feel when you just now realized how much you’ve missed a person. He wanted to be able to pick and choose, to reach back and pluck certain elements out of his old life and drop them into his new one, and forget about the remnants. 

But life didn’t work that way. 

So as he and Patton helped Roman prepare for his audition, with Logan sitting on the bed with a book, he kind of wanted to cry. 

xxx 

“I want to be a halfling!” Patton cried in excitement. 

They were all crowded around the living room table, Virgil and Logan’s D&D Player’s Handbooks laid out in front of Roman and Patton. 

“Okay,” Logan chuckled. He was sitting next to Patton, hand planted beside his hip, so his arm was almost around him but not quite. “Then, here, these are the stats you get, you put those here.” 

When Roman and Virgil were still dating, Virgil mentioned a few times how he always wanted to get into D&D. Roman agreed, and they always said they would play together, once they had time and enough friends to make a party. The day Virgil and Logan met, Logan was wearing a Critical Role t-shirt and was buying supplies for his weekly session, a few days out. He offered to take Virgil with him, and the plan was just to watch and hang out but he got along with their party so well and already had an idea for a character, they insisted he started right away. 

It didn’t escape Roman’s attention that Virgil ended up doing something they always planned on doing together, with Logan. He was sad about it even though he knew he shouldn’t have been. How could he expect Virgil to have put his life on hold, for a reunion that neither of them thought would happen? 

There was still a part of him that felt betrayed. Roman often felt betrayed when thinking of Virgil, and it was so frustrating because he didn’t  _ want _ to be mad at Virgil, especially seeing him now, seeing how much he’s changed. He was  _ engaged _ , and happy about it- Excited, even. Every time someone brought up their upcoming wedding, Virgil positively lit up and couldn’t stop himself from attaching himself to Logan’s side. 

Although… As betrayed as he’s felt these last two years, as sad and as angry as he’s been… It faded as the four of them spent the night playing D&D, sinking six hours into it, making a clumsy team with Logan as their ruthless DM. It faded away for very familiar feelings to take its place. 

That morning, after Patton went to bed and Logan went to work, Roman found himself wandering towards Virgil’s room. He was so confused, and surprised, and he didn’t think he could wait any longer- He had to talk to Virgil. During their relationship, nobody could calm him down and make him see clearly the way Virgil could. He hoped they hadn’t lost that, that all this time apart hadn’t made them strangers. 

Virgil called him in after knocking, looking a little wary. He knew it couldn’t have been Logan, so it was either Patton to chew him out about all he did to Roman, or Roman himself, which had its own problems attached. 

“Hey,” Virgil said haltingly. “You need something?”

“Not really.” Roman shrugged one shoulder, not able to meet his eyes. “Just, uh…”

Virgil scooted over and Roman took the silent invitation to sit next to him, pulling the covers over his lap. “What is it?” Virgil actually looked concerned, and Roman hated that that surprised him. 

“Does it feel… Weird to you?” He risked peeking at Virgil, risked noticing the way his faded purple fell in his eyes and the way he still looked so, so tired. “Being back together?”

Virgil fell silent, and Roman was patient. He knew the face Virgil made when he was thinking, when he was choosing his words very carefully to both say what he meant and spare feelings. His eyebrows scrunched up and he chewed on his upper lip and he looked, just faintly, defeated. 

“It does,” Virgil said. “But it’s not… All bad. I just don’t think we were expecting it.” 

Roman was relieved to hear that, but it also scared him, because that meant they were thinking the same thing, and that could be dangerous. He thought of Patton, Roman’s ray of sunshine. For a short amount of time, Patton was the only reason Roman stayed alive. He loved Patton fiercely, but that kind of love was familiar to him, and he had been feeling it double lately. 

“I bet you got rid of everything.” Roman didn’t mean it as an insult, but he could acknowledge that it definitely sounded like one. 

“Actually,” Virgil said, annoyed, “I still have all of it.”

Roman’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really?” 

“Yeah. I was going to get rid of it during the move here, but… I don’t know.” 

He crawled over Roman to get out of bed, and went over to the closet in the corner of the room. He disappeared inside for a minute, clothes being moved on racks sounding out into the room, and came back with a scrapbook and a shoebox. 

The shoebox was unassuming, nothing like the one Roman had spent hours decorating, that still sat somewhere inside his parents’ house, or maybe the garbage at this point. The scrapbook was a lot more exuberant- They made it together. Somehow Virgil ended up with it. 

He got back into bed and set the scrapbook into Roman’s lap. 

But then they didn’t move. 

They both wanted to open it, and they knew that, but something about it felt wrong. Were they making a mistake? 

Just as Roman started to contemplate, Virgil took off the shoebox’s lid and tossed it aside. All of Roman’s concerns disappeared at the sight inside. 

At the very top, there was a brown leaf that looked like it would crumble with a single touch. On their one month anniversary, Roman took Virgil for a walk, which was really a disguise for a secluded, romantic picnic. He took Virgil down a dirt path with overarching trees, blooming all vibrant shades of green in the summer sun. Virgil wanted to stop, to check out a little alcove of trees off the path, and they ended up staying there for longer than planned. As they made their way out, Virgil plucked a leaf off one of the trees and stuffed it in his pocket. 

Now, Virgil reached down to pick it up, and under the weight of the wind it shattered, all over a card Virgil had made for Roman’s 19th birthday. 

They both snickered, and Virgil dropped his head back, frustrated and happy. Roman flipped open the cover of the scrapbook. The first picture was from Roman’s 19th birthday, about two months into their relationship. They both had writing and scribbles all over their arms, Roman’s in purple, Virgil’s in red. Virgil squinted to try and read some of it. 

In red,  _ Don’t Forget Your Meds!! <3  _

In purple,  _ audition at 2:30. see you there  _

There were drawings, random scribbles in red and little icons and comics in purple. Their arms were like that in most pictures, and in a picture they had taken at the park, where Roman had Virgil picked up with one arm, a little ink peeked out under his raised shirt, on his tummy. 

Looking at these pictures, Virgil had never felt so dumb. 

After they finished looking at the pictures, neither of them felt like letting Roman go back to his room. Guilt gnawed at Virgil’s insides as he and Roman scooted close to the wall, leaving enough room for Logan when he got back from work. They fell asleep with their legs tangled and their bangs brushing together. 

When Virgil woke up, it was like he had never gone to sleep. A blink of time passed and he peeked over Roman’s shoulder, worried Logan had gotten home and gotten angry, left to sleep somewhere else, and was only mildly relaxed to find him there in his usual spot. He had actually scooted closer than he had to in order not to fall off the bed, almost spooning Roman. 

Virgil laid there until Logan woke up. The morning was one of Virgil’s favourite times to spend with Logan, because Logan was sleepy and affectionate like a cat, and they often spent the mornings drinking coffee in silence. Just being in the same room was often enough for Virgil. 

It wasn’t like that this time. Virgil could barely look at him. Was he angry? Was he going to accuse Virgil of cheating, or wanting to leave him? 

He knew Logan would never have this conversation without at least a cup of coffee, so he stayed quiet. Logan prided himself on being able to articulate himself, and he couldn’t do that when he was tired. 

After a little bit of Virgil stewing, and cooking breakfast for four, Logan finally turned to him and said, “What’s going on? You’re freaking out.” 

“Was that inappropriate? Are you mad?” 

Logan hummed and turned off the stove, putting the pan on a different burner. “I think for normal couples, the answer would definitely be yes, and we would need to have a talk.” He opened up his arms and Virgil sunk into them, resting his head on Logan’s shoulder. “But we’re not normal. Does he make you happy?”

That wasn’t a question Virgil was prepared for. Maybe that was stupid, but it wasn’t that he didn’t know the answer, it was that he wasn’t sure if he earned the right to say it. 

But this was Logan. He was always safe with Logan. 

“Yes.” 

“Do I still make you happy?” 

“Yes!” Virgil pulled back, looking at Logan in concern and panic. “What kind of question is that?!” 

Logan cupped Virgil’s face in his hands and kissed him, just firm enough to keep him grounded, to remember where he was. Virgil rested his hands on Logan’s waist and sighed into it, kissing him back. 

“We tell each other before we do things,” Logan mumbled. 

“Right. And the other has to be okay with it.”

“And I’m okay with it. And the other has to know the new person. Don’t I?”

Virgil swallowed and nodded. “Yes. And it goes both ways.” 

“You’re not doing anything wrong,” Logan whispered. “But if you really can’t shake that feeling, then we should have a different conversation.”

Virgil and Logan had put their polygamy into practice before, but never for anything serious or long-term. Virgil felt guilty about a lot of things, it pretty much ruled his life, but this had never been one of them. 

“Morning, guys,” Patton said as he wandered into the room. Virgil and Logan pulled away so Virgil could make Patton a plate while Logan greeted him. 

Patton and Logan ate their breakfast and then headed into Patton and Roman’s room, because Logan promised to help Patton prepare for his job interview and then drive him there. While Virgil was making his own plate after finally getting hungry, Roman came into the kitchen. 

“Hey,” he said nervously. 

Virgil glanced back at him and then forward. “Hey. Are you hungry?” 

They sat next to each other with their plates of food, and ate in awkward silence. When Virgil went to reach for his drink, Roman set his hand over Virgil’s. He didn’t remember the last time his heart had jumped so high, or so much excitement flooded his system. 

“I have my audition today,” Roman said quietly. “Are you busy?” 

Virgil was walking on eggshells. Everything lately felt like a decision, like one way or another his life was changing, and he had to make the decisions without knowing what it would lead to. 

“I’m not busy,” he settled on, because it was the truth. 

Roman linked their fingers together, and Virgil squeezed his hand. Virgil thought of what Logan said, that he was okay with it- And suddenly Virgil realized that he himself might not be. As Roman leaned closer, Virgil jumped out of the chair and scrambled to grab his half empty plate and head into the kitchen. 

“Actually, I just remembered that I, uh, have a lot of stuff to get done today,” he stuttered, fumbling for a tupperware to put his leftover food into. “Sorry, I, uh, can’t make it. Sorry.”

“ _ Virgil _ .” Roman frowned and stood, coming over to him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I just- I can’t make it.” Virgil slid his food into the fridge and put his dishes in the dishwasher. He tried leaving, but Roman was blocking the way out of the kitchen. “I can’t make it, okay?”

Roman looked at him in frustration, and hurt. Virgil hated how familiar that was. Of all the things Virgil wanted to see again now that Roman was back in his life, that was last on the list. “Do you think- Maybe we should talk about what happened? Because you’re acting-”

“No!” Virgil’s eyes widened. “No, what? What are you- There’s nothing to talk about. How would that help?” 

“Virgil, if you don’t want to be with me, that’s fine, but-” 

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Virgil insisted, and he kind of felt like crying. 

Roman stared at him for a moment, as if waiting for him to change his mind or say he was kidding. Then Roman grabbed his keys and his jacket, and walked out the door. 


	3. Begin Again

It had been a week, and Virgil had never felt so guilty. 

He could only imagine how furious Patton was, because Virgil avoided him. He hadn’t been in the same room as Patton since Roman left. It was difficult, because Patton wouldn’t leave Logan’s side. Part of Virgil wondered if he did it to punish Virgil, or to force him to talk, but he tried to remind himself that that’s ridiculous. Patton would never do that. Besides, he looked terrified, all the time. Logan was, truly, the best person to help with that. 

Virgil stopped outside the doorway to the living room one night, hoping to get something to eat while Patton was asleep. Soft voices sounded from the couch. 

“Do you think he just… Left?” Patton whispered. He sounded like he’d been crying. 

“Roman wouldn’t do that to you,” Logan said confidently. 

“That’s  _ worse _ .” His voice broke. “A million things could have happened and I might never know what.” 

“Hey,” Logan said softly. There was some shuffling, so Virgil peeked out to find them laying down, Patton draped over Logan’s body with his head on Logan’s chest. Logan took Patton’s face in his hands and forced him to look at him, the same way he did to Virgil when he was spiralling. “It’s only been a week. He’s not a child. Something may have upset him, and he’s just trying to…” 

Logan knew what upset him. The first thing Virgil did when they got home from Patton’s interview was pull Logan aside and tell him everything. 

“He’ll be okay. But I have to go, or else I’ll be late for work.” He started getting up, but Patton grabbed his arm. 

“Wait! Logan, please. Please, I really don’t want to… I don’t want to be waiting for him here all alone.” 

“I have to go to work,” he said apologetically. “But I’ll go wake Virgil up, he’ll stay with you.”

Virgil held his breath, and he waited for it- Waited for Patton to refuse and tell Logan how much he hated Virgil for everything he’d done and continued to do to Roman. 

But Patton said, “You think he’d want to?” 

“I do.” Logan wasn’t lying. Virgil knew his lying voice. “Just wait here, okay? I’ll go wake him up and you guys can watch movies or something.” 

Logan came around the corner, and startled when he saw Virgil. Then, as he took in Virgil’s expression, his body language, Logan pulled him into his arms. 

“He’s not angry,” Logan mumbled, holding him tight. 

“I am.”

“I know. But you shouldn’t be. Whatever happened, whatever will happen, it’s not your fault. He was going to leave for his audition anyway.” Logan knew Virgil didn’t believe him, and he wouldn’t, so Logan pulled back and took his hands. “Come on. Patton needs you.”

Virgil didn’t believe that for a second, but he let Logan lead him into the living room. 

Patton perked up with a watery smile. “Virgil! I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“Hi,” he said haltingly. 

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Logan kissed the both of them on the cheek, and Virgil on the mouth as well, and then grabbed his stuff to leave. 

“He’s great,” Patton said softly after a few minutes of near-unbearable silence. Virgil nodded slowly, not really sure what to say. “I feel like I would have lost my mind this month without him, let alone the last week.” 

Virgil understood. Logan was often the only thing that kept him sane, that kept him from spiralling. Logan wasn’t as manic as either of them, but Virgil just hoped he made up for it, loved him enough for it to be worth it. 

“I don’t…” Patton pursed his lips. “I don’t want things to be weird.”

Virgil looked away. His heart started picking up the pace, here it came. Patton was sick of holding back and he was going to yell at Virgil, going to point out why everything was his fault and how much he’s ruined Roman’s life. 

His entire body tensed up. 

“You guys are polyamorous, too, right?” 

What? 

“Logan told me that you guys are, and I know you and Roman have that thing, but I just wanted to be sure. I don’t want to do anything with Logan and overstep any boundaries.” 

“That’s… What you want to talk about?” Virgil peeked at him, his heart slamming, thrumming through his entire body. 

Patton frowned. “Yes… Is that okay?” 

“I- I just don’t understand,” Virgil admitted. “What about Roman?” 

“Yeah,” Patton said sadly. “I guess you’re right. I just… Wanted something to distract me. Do you want to watch a movie?” 

“What are you talking about?” Virgil gripped the blanket he had draped over his lap. “What about what I did to Roman?” 

Patton’s eyes widened. “Oh- Oh! Oh, I thought you meant… Virgil, we’re not angry at you.”

Virgil looked at him in confusion. “But-”

“What you did-”

The front door opened. 

Virgil and Patton jumped to their feet and when Roman stepped into the foyer, Patton burst into tears. Patton jumped into his arms and Roman easily caught him, holding him tight. 

“What happened?!” Patton sobbed. 

“After the audition, I ran into my parents.” He gripped Patton tight and his eyes were on Virgil. Virgil’s hands were shaking. “They forced me home, I couldn’t really stop them. I didn’t have a chance to sneak back out until now.” 

“You could have called the police!” Patton leaned back, sniffling. 

Roman smiled softly and shook his head. “It wasn’t that big a deal. It’s over now.” 

“Roman, you’re over 18,” Virgil said. He was nervous- Did Roman care about his opinion when it was Virgil’s fault it even happened? “Doesn’t that count as a… Kidnapping?” 

Roman shook his head. “It doesn’t matter, guys. I’m home now.”

Something about that drove Virgil crazy in a way he’d never felt before.  _ Home _ . He was home. 

“You must be starving.” Patton took his hand and dragged him towards the kitchen. 

Virgil stood in the doorway, watching the two of them move. Patton danced around the kitchen like an ethereal being and Roman seemed like… Something else. Patton drifted and swayed as he cooked, and Roman’s smile was like a gift. They fit together in a way only two perfectly kind, and beautiful people could. 

And because of Virgil, one of those people- The one Virgil cared about in such a specific and frustrating way -was in pain. 

He felt so guilty he was nauseous. 

He wanted to apologize, God knows Roman deserved it, and explain what happened and why he had to leave, but the more he thought about it the more nervous he was. Then he thought about telling Logan, getting the truth out there and getting help, but that was off the table, too. 

“Virgil?” Patton noticed him still standing there as he sat two full plates onto the table. Roman glanced up as well, and smiled. “You should join us.” 

Virgil was so confused. 

“I…” Virgil took a step back. “I think I’m going to go back to bed. Now that I know he’s okay.” 

Virgil left, and Patton whispered something before the pitter-patter of footsteps followed Virgil. In the hall, Patton took Virgil’s hand.

“What’s going on?”

“I don’t get it,” Virgil said in frustration. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Aren’t you mad at me?” 

“ _ No _ . No, I was trying to tell you- I’m not mad. I mean, I  _ was _ .” Patton laughed lightly. “I was mad. But, Verge, the moment I met you it all went away.”

Virgil frowned. “Wh… Why?” 

“You’re… Not that person anymore,” he said simply. “Everyone can tell. Can’t you?” 

Virgil didn’t answer. 

Patton sighed. “Nobody’s mad at you. What you did was awful, yes, but- Virgil, you gave us a place to live. And since we’ve been here, all Roman’s been able to talk about is how much he missed you. He forgave you.  _ I _ forgave you. But if you don’t stop this, you’re just going to make the same mistake again.” 

Virgil peeked around the corner. Roman was staring at his plate, chewing on his bottom lip nervously. Virgil looked back to Patton. 

“I have to do something first.” 

After eating, Roman and Patton went back to their room. Virgil stayed up to wait for Logan to come home from work. 

Patton insisted that Virgil had changed, that he wasn’t the same person- And he was wrong. But Virgil  _ could _ change. If he did this, he could change. 

When Logan came inside, Virgil jumped up. Logan looked at him in concern as he locked the door. 

“Darling? Is everything okay?”

“I need to tell you something.”

Logan frowned and nodded, coming to sit next to Virgil on the couch. Virgil took his hand and squeezed it, letting the familiar warmth ground him. Logan stared at him patiently, waiting. 

“I left Roman because I was scared,” he said. His heart was hammering and he was sweating and part of him wished there was some casual way to tell Logan this, or some way to skip through the moment. He felt over dramatic and embarrassed and guilty. “We happened… Pretty fast. We had our first date the day after we met, and we kissed halfway through it. We started planning to move in together two months in. He wanted to get married. I don’t think he actually thought we’d do all that stuff so soon, but…” Virgil shook his head. He wanted to look at Logan, to gage his expression, but no matter what face Logan was making, it would stop Virgil from being able to continue. 

He thought back to the beginning of his and Logan’s relationship. He refused to admit they were even in a relationship until four months had gone by. Logan was patient, but when he couldn’t take anymore, he told Virgil. He said, ‘We’re either boyfriends, or we’re not.’ Virgil didn’t want to lose him. He didn’t even feel scared like he thought he would- Just excited, and guilty. 

“I guess I panicked. I wrote him a letter saying I didn’t want to be together anymore and I just… Stopped talking to him.”

Logan winced. His hand tensed up in Virgil’s, and Virgil prepared himself for Logan yanking himself away, to snap at him, to tell him he was a horrible person and that he didn’t want to get married anymore. 

Logan took his hand away, and wrapped his arm around Virgil’s shoulders. He pulled Virgil in close and hugged him. 

“I figured as much,” he admitted. 

“How?”

“I found the letter you wrote me.” 

_ “What?”  _

Logan laughed. “Under the bed? I was looking for my hoodie.” He shook his head and snickered. “I spent a  _ week _ waiting for you to give it to me. Then I found it in the trash.” He shrugged one shoulder. “And then I proposed.” 

“You still wanted to be with me after that?” 

Logan looked at him, and kissed his forehead. “You made a choice. I’m happy with you, and you seemed happy with me.”

“I  _ am _ .” Virgil looked at him in concern. “You  _ do _ know that, right?” 

“I do.” Logan stroked his cheek. “Nothing could change that.” 

“I should talk to Roman.” Virgil stood. “I think they’re still awake.” 

Logan squeezed his hand. “I’ll see you in bed?”

He smiled and nodded. 

He knocked quietly on the door as the rising sun spilled into the apartment. Someone paused whatever they were watching and a few moments later the door opened. Roman smiled nervously. 

“Can we talk?” Virgil asked. 

Roman followed him into the hall, and before they had even stopped walking, Virgil said, “I’m sorry.”

Roman looked at him in surprise. 

Virgil kept going, not wanting to lose his nerve. “What I did was  _ so _ shitty, I mean- A  _ letter _ ? It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. I’m sorry.” 

Roman blinked, and then, for the first time since they were together, gave Virgil a real, genuine smile. “It’s okay.” And, after a moment, “Just don’t do it again.”

Virgil snorted and shook his head, his eyes watering. “No, never.” 

Roman opened his arms and Virgil hugged him, and they stayed like that for a moment, in each other’s arms, breathing together. Virgil pulled back just enough to look at him, and their eyes met. They moved into each other and Roman rested his hands on the sides of Virgil’s face as they kissed, and kissed, and kissed. 

By the time they pulled away, Virgil was out of breath. 

“I should get back to Patton.” Roman was smiling. 

Virgil was, too. “Yeah. I promised Logan I’d be back in bed.” 

When he got back to bed, Virgil whispered to Logan what happened, and they fell asleep with a plan on how to proceed. 

xxx 

“Everyone roll initiative.” 

“ _ FUCK!”  _

“What?! Why?!” 

“Nat 20!” 

Logan wrote Roman’s name at the top of the list. “Verge? Pat?” 

“4,” Virgil grumbled. 

“14?” 

“Okay, so it’s Roman, Patton, bandits, and then Virgil.” 

“Oh!” Patton bounced in excitement. “I rolled higher than them!” 

As Roman had his character charge in to attack one, Virgil glanced at Logan. He and Patton were holding hands before Patton had to roll, Logan’s thumb running over Patton’s bare ring finger in a very familiar way. He kept that little thought to himself. 

“That’s a hit,” Logan told Roman, “roll damage.”

Roman scrambled to look at his sheet to be reminded which dice to use, and snatched two of them. He rattled them above his head and threw them onto the board. 

“TWELVE POINTS!” 

“Wow. Okay, uh- The adrenaline from being ambushed gives you the strength to decapitate the first bandit. Your longsword cuts straight through his neck.” 

Patton squealed. “Good job, baby!” 

“Patton, your turn.” 

“Oh! Okay, I want to, um…” Patton’s tongue poked between his lips as he furrowed his eyebrows, staring at his character sheet. “Um…” 

His phone rang. 

“Be right back!” He grabbed it and ran into the kitchen. 

Virgil sighed and leaned back, resting his head in Roman’s lap. He hated when their sessions got interrupted. 

Roman ran his fingers through Virgil’s hair. “Do you know what you’ll do?” 

“Depends on what the bandits do. If they attack, I’ll give them a debuff. If they don’t land a hit, I’ll give you guys an advantage.” 

Patton ran back into the room, smiling big. “Guess who that was!” He didn’t wait for an answer, pointing wildly in Logan’s general direction. “I start training on Monday!” 

Virgil sat up as Roman jumped up, pulling Patton into his arms. He spun him around while Virgil ducked, laughing. 

“Jesus, careful!”

Roman sat him down with a matching grin. “That’s amazing!”

They both sat back down and Logan leaned over to give Patton a kiss. “Good job. I knew you’d get it.”

“Just because you told me exactly what to say.” Patton smiled sheepishly. 

Logan shrugged and smiled. “Maybe. Still.” 

They got back to playing, and Virgil wondered where Logan had decided to hide the rings. They didn’t know exactly when they’d break them out, but as they finished the battle with Patton giving the final blow, the three of them cheering and Logan congratulating them, he knew it would be soon. 


End file.
